I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
