i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
