I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
