I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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