my sisters under your porch take her home
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
