I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize