I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
