Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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