If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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