oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
