He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
