I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
