I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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