he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
