That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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