I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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