Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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