I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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