I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
