turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
As shirtless as possible
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
