I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
