Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
