Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
