I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize