I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
