I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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