fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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