p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My underwear smells like fireworks.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
