Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We don't watch enough power rangers
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize