When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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