Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
