Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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