I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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