John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
