i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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