I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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