Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
