He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
