he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
