You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
