chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize