i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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