I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Who died my cat blue again?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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