dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
