:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
