One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
