what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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