Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
