My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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