i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
