Jerry, you need to find god
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
