Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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