I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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