Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We're too hungover to prance.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
