Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
